As I walk out of my room, about to being a day full of classes, friends, meals, and studying, I pass a container filled with almonds. Casually and mindlessly, I open the container, pop 3 or 4 almonds into my mouth, and continue on with my day. The small gesture of eating just a few almonds reminds me of my days when this occurrence wouldn’t be so trivial for me. The days when it was a struggle for me to eat 8 almonds, the snack that my meal plan required me to eat each day, without feeling overcome with a sense of guilt, worthlessness, and body shame. At the time, 8 almonds was a lot for me. My body was able to feel a difference after consuming just a small handful of nuts. I begin to think, how was I able to function if I was barely nourishing my body? How could I go to school and be able to focus on all of my classes? My thoughts do not result in a conclusion, and I cannot even begin to fathom what my life would look like in college if I wasn’t giving my brain and body the nutrition they need.
Thankfully, those almonds meant nothing to me today. Being two and half years out of an eating disorder, sometimes I forget how difficult things used to be. And while I am thankful that I never question my appearance or feel guilty for eating, I like to remind myself how far I’ve come, even if it is just a small reflection that originated from almonds. I also like to keep my past in the back of my mind so that I am continually able to grow and help other people who may share the feelings that I used to live with. I cannot imagine being able to be a full time student who is engaged in extracurriculars, attends all classes, studies hours and hours each day, and leads an enriching social life without the proper food in my body.
I haven’t blogged in a long time, and I guess what prompted this entry was the thought of how fortunate I am to have both a clear mind and strong body that allow me to function so well in college. I feel blessed to have had the supportive network I did. A support network that continues to surround me with love, compassion, understanding, and encouragement. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to be at college away from my structured meal plans and rigid lifestyle, but I have come so far and I am thriving.
So thank you almonds for prompting me to write this. Thank you for reminding me how lucky I was and how lucky I continue to be. Thank you for giving me nutrients and energy and allowing me to use my brain to support other people who struggle with eating disorders and body image.